rewriting life after unimaginable loss
reading time 2 minutes
Then: Sam’s Green Day CD
I remember after we left the store, on the ride home, how upset Sam got while we were listening to his new Green Day CD, the one he’d begged me to buy.
“Dad’s gonna kill me!” He started crying. “Mommy, I didn’t know that song had a bad word in it.”
Continue reading “It’s the little BIG things”
September 1, 2023. Today would be my dad’s 88th birthday. He died at what today we think of as fairly young: 72.
A few months ago, 60 days to be exact (I’m journaling now, so I see that it was July 3), my father surprised me in a dream. I was lost (in this dream), wondering where I was—who I was anymore. Feeling alone, always alone. When I turned around, my father was there. And we hugged, and I wasn’t alone. I was so excited to see him I woke up. And then he was gone.
Continue reading “254 days after…”
It’s been too long since I sat down to write you. For some reason, I’ve been avoiding writing and posting. I’ve asked myself why I can’t seem to sit down and write and share my thoughts? I’ve mentioned this to friends: that I don’t know why I can’t just write and post something. I’ve logged on to my website, but I just stare at the screen, then close the tab, and walk away.
In the spirit of self-understanding, I’ve asked myself to answer this. Why am I so challenged to open a new Draft, write, and click that Publish button?
Continue reading “A way to begin”
Depression afflicts millions directly, and millions more who are relatives or friends of victims. It has been estimated that as many as one in ten Americans will suffer from the illness…which, in its graver, clinical manifestation takes upward of twenty percent of its victims by way of suicide.
– William Styron (1990), Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness
In memory of my longtime and loving friend, Rebecca Pratt (December 24, 1964 – January 28, 2013).
R was one of the wittiest, most intelligent, caring, and beautiful people I have had the privilege of knowing. She was my friend for almost three decades. She was my confidant and sometimes my therapist. She was an incredibly thoughtful card sender. She loved searching for and sending the perfect card in which she’d write, or quote, the perfect words. And her timing was perfect. If I mentioned to her that I had finished a writing piece and felt good about it, lo and behold, a one-of-a-kind congratulatory card would show up in my mailbox 48 hours later.
Continue reading “my friend R”
In her memoir, Lucky, Alice Sebold said, “No one can pull anyone back from anywhere. You save yourself or you remain unsaved.”
It is true.
You have to save yourself (no one can pull you back from this place). You have to trust yourself. You have to be the expert on you and your grief.
In my case, after the sudden death of my son, Sam, I withdrew, cocooned from the world, and ignored those who told me to do otherwise. I was the expert on my grief. This was my way.
Continue reading “save yourself”
Dear Willower,
I’ve let too much time pass since writing to you. Every day, I think about writing you. I think about posting and then get busy, or distracted, or just lack the energy. I tell myself it doesn’t matter, anyway. What good is yet another blog post in this overcrowded Twitter world of ours. But then, I come back to this: We’re all searching for that word, that phrase, that nugget of something to confirm that, yes, we are connected. Woven together somehow into this cloth of colorful human beings. And when we connect — to someone who has been where we have been — we’re able to see and find our way, and keep going. Even if our keep going process means more searching. Isn’t that what we’re here for? To search, learn, share, and connect?
Continue reading “returning”
“There are stars whose radiance is visible on Earth though they have long been extinct. There are people whose brilliance continues to light the world even though they are no longer among the living. These lights are particularly bright when the night is dark. They light the way for humankind.”
– Hannah Szenes (Senesh)
A few years ago, I saw that someone had added “willower” to UrbanDictionary.com. Okay, it’s a crowdsourced online dictionary of slang words and phrases, but I especially like UD’s tagline: “Define Your World.”
Continue reading “willower®”
Does loss and grief sometimes disconnect us from others, from the world? Yes.
But, maybe, the disconnect is when we are most connected to our physical emotions and the invisible world.
Continue reading “disconnect”
BY EMILY DICKINSON
“Hope” is the thing with feathers –
That perches in the soul –
And sings the tune without the words –
And never stops – at all –
And sweetest – in the Gale – is heard –
And sore must be the storm –
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm –
I’ve heard it in the chillest land –
And on the strangest Sea –
Yet – never – in Extremity,
It asked a crumb – of me.
Willower.org