Grief grabbed me again

It’s been over eighteen years since my little boy died. So I wasn’t expecting this.

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Another birthday

Morning. I am here, sitting outside meditating, eyes closed, feeling the sun on my face, rising. Imagining, for a few minutes, that it’s him shining on me, in me. 

It’s your birthday today, sweet son of mine.

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what to do with those sad gone thoughts: write

longing for those who are gone

JANUARY 28, twelve years ago today, was the day Rebecca decided would be her last. And I’m missing her, my longtime and loving friend.

A few years back, I wrote this. This morning, while thinking about what day it is, I read it again, grateful to have written about and to her.

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remembering my dad

(👆In the photo: my father and me heading into my grandmother’s house in Miami, circa 1967.)

in the safe gray zone

He died seventeen years ago today. And, as Forrest Gump said, “That’s all I have to say about that.” 

I don’t feel sad or wistful. I’m like a wheat field, waves of beige sameness. Neutral, undisturbed, bending with the wind.

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without imagination…

a private note

WHENEVER I READ a book, I always find my very own personal takeaway, a sentence or two that stands out to me, seemingly as if the writer meant the message just for me—like a private note. The author may not have even meant for that particular line or two to be one of the story’s takeaways, and therein lies the magic (of words, and reading books).

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He’d be 26 today

March 2, 2024. He would be twenty-six today. Or still nine. Or three-hundred and twenty-nine.

Sam and me

What is time anyway?

Einstein said that time is not absolute and in fact depends on the observer.

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Landslide

Fall. The air is changing. It’s still muggy but less hot now. 

Though it’s hidden behind the clouds, the moon is full today.  

I’ve done my best, tried until I couldn’t see straight anymore, or find any other errors to fix. It’s 9/29/23, 18 days until . . . my book, my beloved son, both fully grown now, will soon fly away, and be free of me and my perfectionist ways. To live their lives on their own. Though not alone, never alone. 

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save yourself

words that delivered

In her memoir, Lucky, Alice Sebold said, “No one can pull anyone back from anywhere. You save yourself or you remain unsaved.”

It is true.

You have to save yourself (no one can pull you back from this place). You have to trust yourself. You have to be the expert on you and your grief.

In my case, after the sudden death of my son, Sam, I withdrew, cocooned from the world, and ignored those who told me to do otherwise. I was the expert on my grief. This was my way. 

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willower®

A few years ago, I saw that someone had added “willower” to UrbanDictionary.com. Okay, it’s a crowdsourced online dictionary of slang words and phrases, but I especially like UD’s tagline: “Define Your World.”

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disconnect

Does loss and grief sometimes disconnect us from others, from the world? Yes.

But, maybe, the disconnect is when we are most connected to our physical emotions and the invisible world.

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