I'm a creative problem solver, a student of life, and a teacher at heart. Over the years, I've come to realize that being a writer is more than what I do. It's who I am. The process of writing (which involves constant rewriting) has taught me to trust in myself, my intuition, and inner wisdom. After my son's death, writing gave me a reason to not give up but to keep going. In sharing my stories, I hope to inspire you, the reader, to find your reason to not give up but to keep going too.
Why is it that I no longer feel flattened by these days?
YESTERDAY, MONDAY, WAS THE DAY of Sam’s death 17 years ago. Today is the date: 4/30. And I don’t really feel any different than usual. Maybe a little heavier, but otherwise normal.Well, normal is as normal does, right? So far, I’ve followed my normal routine. Up early. Got my coffee and sat outside listening to the birds waking up. Had breakfast, threw in some laundry, went for a walk, and now . . . I’m typing this: Why is it that I no longer feel flattened by these days?
WHEN I BEGAN TYPING THIS (months ago), I didn’t want to overthink or over-edit it, but just type about that thing I was thinking about before I sat down. But every time I sit down to write, like right now, my brain turns to slush.
About HCM and the Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy Association:
Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy (HCM) is a common genetic disorder that affects people regardless of gender, ethnicity, age or geographic location.
The HCMA (Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy Association, https://4hcm.org) is the preeminent organization improving the lives of those with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, HCM, preventing untimely deaths and advancing global understanding.
Founded in 1996, HCMA is committed to providing support, education, advocacy and advancing research, understanding and care to those with HCM.
Lisa Salberg, founder of the HCMA, was and has been really helpful and forthcoming with information since Sam’s (my 9-yr-old son) sudden death caused by HCM.
Contact the HCMA
If you’re in need of info or help regarding HCM, this is the go-to organization. Phone: 973-983-7429; Email: Support@4hcm.org
For years, I had a purpose: to write (to finish) my story (my book).
Every day, that finish line up ahead is what kept me running; gave me energy enough to keep going, editing, rewriting. There was always something to do in order to finish.
Willower: Rewriting Life After Unimaginable Loss was released October 2023. It was hard to finally let go and send my story, which I’d kept hidden for so many years, out into the world. I hope it lands wherever it’s needed most and helps those searching for a story like this to feel less alone in their grief.
I want to say how grateful I am to have worked with Marion Roach Smith, the memoir writing coach who encouraged me and pushed me toward the finish line. And Jessica Hatch, the copy editor who helped me to cross that finish line. I’ve learned so much from both of these brilliant women.
And now: I’m excited to share with you an entire chapter sample—the book’s opening pages: about survival. For more chapter previews, go here.
So much happens in Chapter 1 Sam’s heart. So I’ve pulled out a few pieces for you to sample. And you can read the rest once your book is delivered (wink wink).
Willower: Rewriting Life After Unimaginable Loss was published on October 17 (2023). Which, and this wasn’t planned, happened to be Reggie’s birthday (10/17/2003). Reggie who? Reggie Jackson Little Dude, that’s who—Sam’s puppy.
Reggie, Sam’s puppy, 10/17/2003 – 5/25/2021
Funny story: Once, while in Tampa to see a Yankee spring training game, we saw the Reggie Jackson in the hotel lobby. Excited, David said hello to him and then, pointing to the boys and the skinny pigeon-toed Chihuahua standing with them, proceeded to tell Mr. Jackson that we named our dog after him. (Insert head smack emoji here.) I wanted to hide. It was a pretty awkward moment. I mean, if we had named our son after him, but . . . that funny-looking knock-kneed dog?
about this chapter
In Chapter 2. Living normally, we travel to Boston Children’s Hospital (May 2003) after deciding that BCH has the best “picture taker” in the world.
In Chapter 3. Courage we continue living, while trying to conquer our fear, in those years leading up to Sam’s ninth birthday. The theme and the title of this chapter came the fortune cookie Sam opened after eating dinner at our favorite Chinese restaurant:
Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the conquest of it.
First, you may be thinking, Why would anybody want to write about the death of their child? It’s certainly not for everyone. But for me, it was the only thing I could do. Over the years, while I was writing this story, or talking with a friend, or a grief therapist, or singing (screaming and crying) at the top of my lungs while driving alone . . . I was also re-learning how to live with these details that are forever etched in my memory.
about this chapter
Chapter 4. Monday is the day (April 30, 2007) when the unthinkable happens.
I’ve been processing my son Sam’s death now for several years. You may be seeing/reading this story for the first time, and so it may be shocking or uncomfortable for you. But I hope you’ll be brave and read or share Willower: Rewriting Life After Unimaginable Loss with someone you know who is trying to process their loss.
about this chapter
In Chapter 5. Still here, time, a recurring theme throughout the book, keeps moving on despite what has happened. I hate time for that, for moving only forward, for not stopping and allowing me to go back, to bring Sam back.
Here are a few more snack-sized appetizers from my book—so you can get a taste of my writing style. (And by the way, the green boxes with orange text that you see throughout these posts are actual excerpts from my chapters.) Bon appétit!
about this chapter
Chapter 6. Searching is about the pain, the sleep deprivation, and the lunacy that follows loss.
Note: The featured image you see of Officer Twisdale and Sam over his shoulder was created by the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office for their newsletter in which they published part of Sam’s Story.
about this chapter
Chapter 7. Rewriting, as you can tell by its name, is a major theme in the story. It was during a grief counseling session when I got the idea of rewriting my story stuck in my head.
Back in 2023, while proofreading the final copy of Willower (as a reader instead of a writer), I was wondering the whole way through, How did I do this? I know how I did it, obviously, but I mean how did I do it? Does that make sense? A lot of the text was written when I was in a much darker place, in another world. I’d worked for years, sitting with Sam, and we were writing together. Now what?
Publishing a book, I’ve learned, isn’t always celebratory. It felt more like, What do I do now? I guess it’s time to reflect on where to migrate to next.
about this chapter
Chapter 8. Grieving moves through the first year after Sam’s death (2007).
I hope you’ll read my book Willower and/or share it with someone you think it may help. I know a grief memoir might not be what you had in mind for your next read, but haven’t you been averse to other things, like Brussels sprouts, but you tried them anyway? Good storytelling, no matter the subject, is just plain good storytelling. And like Brussels sprouts, reading a good book also has health benefits. And, when you doread it, you’ll also be keeping my son Sam’s memory alive. So . . . No pressure.
about this chapter
Chapter 9. Migrating moves through the years after Sam’s death (2007), from 2010 to 2018.
Chapter 10. Seeing is set in May 2018, eleven years after Sam’s death.
In this chapter, I realize I’m coming to the end of our story, yet I question why it is I can never seem to finish it. I continue to search for meaning, an answer, a reason, a mathematical solution, anything that might be something, some connection to Sam. But . . .
I keep getting lost, ending up back at the beginning again, starting over, never finishing.
Wearing my “promoting” hat instead of my “writing” bandanna is way out of my comfort zone! I don’t like selling anything, but this book was my work for sixteen years; and now, I really want this brutally sad but beautiful story to find those who need it. Maybe that’s you? Maybe it’s someone you know, support, or counsel? A friend, a neighbor, a family member? Or maybe you know me, and knew Sam, but don’t know the whole story. I hope you’ll read it.
about this chapter
One of the reasons I wrote this book: I needed our story to end differently.
I always knew what I was writing to, what the ending of this story would be: my beautiful boy Sam would live, stay alive, through the power and magic of words.
Chapter 11. A Different Ending is set eleven years after Sam’s death, in May 2018.
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