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Deanna

Rewriting life since the sudden death of my nine-year-old son, Sam (2007).
Trying to LEARN, think, remember, IMAGINE, cope, care, read, EAT, write, live, LAUGH, listen, enjoy, walk, meditate, stretch, watch, stop, BREATHE...and keep going.

Words

I found “Willower” on UrbanDictionary.com (someone added it this year). Okay, it’s an online dictionary of slang words and phrases but I like their motto: “Define Your World.” Intentionally or unintentionally, isn’t that what we humans do, define our own worlds? Though willowers have the added lifelong challenge of processing […]

This morning

Sam would be twenty-two today. Every morning, I wake up to ‘reality’ and shake my head. But there’s something heavier about milestones, anniversaries, and birthdays — the rudest awakenings — that make it harder to face the day. So when I open my eyes and notice the time, 5:51 a.m., […]

Returning

Dear Willower, I’ve let too much time pass since writing to you. Every day, I think about writing you. I think about posting and then get busy, or distracted, or just lack the energy. I tell myself it doesn’t matter anyway. What good is yet another blog post in this […]

My Tree of Life

Sam and me

It was a ten-inch tall mini-tree in a small plastic pot that sat on the coffee table in the living room. Sprinkled with silver glitter and embellished with tiny silver ornaments. An impulse purchase at Target one December years ago. An attempt at decorating for the holidays, at living.

To the nines

“Form is exactly emptiness, emptiness exactly form.” Buddhist “Heart of Perfect Wisdom Sutra” Sam, It is the year of the Monkey, the ninth of twelve animals in the Chinese zodiac cycle. And, the ninth year of living without you—and your monkey-hugs.

Joy

Months after Sam’s death, and shortly before he was gone too, my father, always trying to cheer me on, reassured me that I’d find joy again. I disagreed. I didn’t want joy, happiness. I was consumed with grief, and wanted to die too. He worried about this, I’m sure, which […]