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Day 30, “S”

Poem #30: “S”

In a dream
a small boy visited me,
golden nimbus around his face,
lucent white skin
and lustrous eyes,
green like the Nile.

His features captivated me,
but I loved his humor the most.
His laughs were musical sounds
from another place.
He stamped smiles and danced
with pure energy,
and acted out his thoughts
for me to see.
For he didn’t speak,
yet he clearly understood my words
and appeared to delight in them.

I held my dream child close,
and he knew I would love him

He circled me with joy
and ran on airspace, laughing.
Then whispered by me,
waving his hand,
Be right back.
I called for him to stay near.
When suddenly he was felled
by some unseen collision
that took his breath.

I fell to my knees and cried
over my small angel child.
I buried my face in his whiteness
and heard unrecognizable cries
that haunt me still.
“Wake up! Please! Please! Please, wake up!
No! Oh, no. No. No…”

His glow lingered and reflected off a mist
that enveloped me and echoed my wails.
The steam wept with me for that small,
spotless, sleeping soul
dissolving in my arms—ashes.
I held nothing but myself—skin and bones.

And beside me his dust grew into a tree,
as if blown with breath
through a straw, painted on canvas.
The branches spread out and multiplied,
ready for leaves yet to come.
And in the tree’s center—its heart,
the initial, S, was engraved.
And it went up as the tree grew tall.


In memory of my Sam. My son. My beautiful boy.
March 2, 1998 – April 30, 2007

Categories: Rewriting Life After Loss

Tagged as:


Rewriting life since the sudden death of my nine-year-old son, Sam (2007).
Trying to LEARN, think, remember, IMAGINE, cope, care, read, EAT, write, live, LAUGH, listen, enjoy, walk, meditate, stretch, watch, stop, BREATHE...and keep going.

9 replies

  1. Hi Deanna – I want to say your words are beautiful, but that doesn’t seem right. More so, your words are felt. This site is beautiful, though, beautiful in how you are sharing and letting others be a part of this continuous journey. This is your journey, and know that I am always here, kind of walking behind you, with you. We miss Sam also. I miss him for Seth. Sam is forever a part of our lives, and we are so grateful to have been a part of his. All our love to you! ~Christine and Seth

    1. Thank you, Christine–and Seth. It means a whole lot to me, to know this. I’m always glad that even at such young ages, our boys shared a deep bond of friendship that went well beyond their years. Such a gift. Love back to you! -Deanna and Sam

  2. Dee, I am taking a breath. Letting out a sigh as tears well up in my eyes. There is nothing in the world that will make today and all future days, any easier; but the beauty in your words to describe the love you have for Sammy. the zest he had for life, the impact his short life had on so many people, now extends past his existence forever in time. Thanks to you and your dedication to WillowPost! Your honesty, sincerity, and willingness to face the anguish, each and every day to bring life to Sam’s memory is commendable. I have no doubt, your words have already brought solace to other parents who have lost their child. Personally, WillowPost reassures me that I can be a supportive friend to you. You are an incredible, beautiful person and writer. Thank you for sharing your most intimate thoughts for the betterment of others! Thank you for creating a place where Sam can bring light to others!

    1. I can’t say Thank You to you enough, Michele. For being such a big hearted friend. For fearlessly proof-reading, editing, and supporting my words. For caring, listening, and wanting to know more… You’re pure, sensitive nature is GOOD, through and through. Thk u, thk u, thk u…

  3. Beautiful words, beautiful child, beautiful mom- He hears you! We love Sam as much now as we did in life . Love, Debbie and Scott, Shira and Jack – We love you , Dave and Joey and Reggie

  4. Deanna, I have read every one of your beautiful poems. Every one of the single words. Every one of the meanings of those words. AND I have felt every one of your emotions. I have felt your pain. I have felt your anger. I have felt your emptiness. I have felt your anguish. I have felt for you. But I will never be able to feel what you feel. For this, I thank you for sharing with me (with us) as much as you could in how all that must feel. The one thing I do feel is LOVE; love for you, love for Sam. XOXO

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